The other day, I decided it was in my best interest to indulge in some sushi on my lunch break. I chose a quiet, dark Japanese restaurant in hope that the impending hour would be both relaxing and highly satisfactory. The sushi was lovely. The raucous individual that sat at the table next to me was obnoxious, to say the least.
He was with a cute Asian girl and it was obviously their first date. I knew he was trouble the moment they sat down when he began talking loudly about how important he is to his company. His voice was that of a pocket-sized diabolical wizard, mixed with a nasal-y cartoon character, mixed with nails on a chalkboard. I paused mid-chopstick lift to shoot him a sideways glare, to which he responded with a smirk and “Let me know if I’m being too loud, honey.”
Upon getting a closer look, he did not appear at all as I had assumed he would based on his irritating voice. He was medium height, with short hair, casual office attire…and an extra helping of thighs. He reminded me physically of this boy I dated for a few weeks in high school after we met singing in a religious operetta. We used to incessantly instant message back and forth (as kids did back then) and I was always turned off by his screen name: RandomThoughts44. I ended it after he wore one too many pairs of khakis and bought me a plush goat for Valentine’s Day. He retaliated a week later by hooking up with my best friend, which I then countered by creating the screen name RandomThighs44 and messaging him with it. I remember my mom tried to yell at me for being a brat, but kept laughing in spite of herself because, come on, it’s funny. That was over ten years ago and I still have not heard from him since.
Anyway, back to the sushi place. After barraging his date with remarks about how he likes to use made up words when ordering in Asian restaurants to confuse the servers, he laughed hysterically at himself for entirely too long. The server came to take their order and when the girl wasn’t ready, the guy said to her “I know I’m irresistible, but you’re going to have to stop looking at me and start looking at the menu.” He then turned to the waitress and said “I’M always ready. I’m gonna speak real slow for you…Are YOU ready?” He ordered like seventeen rolls and ended with “Mazel tov.” This guy was a real comedian. I requested my check and gathered my belongings. As I was signing the bill, I overheard him tell his date “I’d be getting a lot more wild right now if I weren’t donating blood tomorrow. We’ve had a lot of false positives. Gotta do it right!” He then proceeded to enlighten her as to why he is exactly what she needs in her life. I made it halfway to the door before I was stopped by him barking at me “So, was it good for you?” I squinted my eyes into a fake smile and booked it back to work.
I barely heard the girl this idiot was on a date with say one word the entire time because he never stopped talking. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who has bad luck with dating. I hope she dumped him and his cocky thighs.