The website makes no attempt to hide the fact that the bar is set pretty low…it is called “OKCupid” after all, not “PerfectCupid” or even “AboveAverageCupid.” This explains why I am a 95% match with someone who answered the “What’s the First Thing People Notice About You?” question with “ThAt My PeNiS iS oUt LoL.” I have done a few posts highlighting some of the absurd pick-up lines I receive in my inbox. This week, I decided to have a little fun. Here are my conversations with six different guys who contacted me. I hope this post doesn’t prevent me from getting hired in the future like my dad always warns…But I went to graduate school for theatre, so I’m pretty sure I crossed that bridge long ago.
May 13, 2012 – 11:03pm
HIM: Hey, I’m Trevor. In the event that you’d like to talk, I can be reached by smoke signals or carrier pigeon, though I prefer carrier pigeon because I’m attempting to go green.
ME: I think I love you.
HIM: Whoaaaa too early. You just scared me off.
ME: Yeah right.
HIM: You’re right. I love you, too. Let’s get married.
ME: Ok, I have a dowry.
HIM: It better be a cow. If it is, consider us betrothed. So, what are you doing at the moment?
ME: Having a sensual lounge session watching 48 Hours Hard Evidence in the nude.
HIM: Light some scented candles and lay some rose petals around and you’ve just described my evening as well.
ME: We are meant to be.
HIM: I’m searching for a freshly poured sidewalk to write our name in as we speak. Have you ever seen a ghost? Did it catch you watching TV naked?
ME: They always watch me when I’m nude. Especially when I’m writing checks or eating muesli.
HIM: You just hit on my biggest turn on: muesli.
May 14, 2012 – 1:06am
HIM: Howdy, want to have some online naughty fun? What are you wearing?
ME: Slacks and an argyle vest over a beige dickie. You?
HIM: I’m wearing basketball shorts and nothing else ;) What are you doing?
ME: I’m perusing an article about fishing rods whilst touching my bunions.
HIM: Um, are you for real?
May 16, 2012 – 1:28pm
HIM: A haiku for you:
Glass of water; half empty
Also, half full
Same thing when drinking.
ME: A haiku for you:
Backdoor gerbil jaunt
Round and round and up and down
On your anal wheel
May 16, 2012 – 11:38pm
HIM: Wow, u seem like actually a cool person for once! And I totally wanna make out with ur profile picture!
ME: Thank u! OMG u look just like Verne Troyer!
May 17, 2012 – 12:32am
HIM: What shocking modesty and sweeping eloquence apparently indicative of a fascinatingly eclectic persona… And what did you dream about last Saturday by the way?
ME: Last Saturday? Hmm, let me think. Ah, it was a dream involving burly loggers aboard a cramped raft, being jostled closer and closer to one another by the restless current of the great whitewaters. I was in the center of the raft, blanketed by their cascading beards.
HIM: Ah, that sounds quite authentic and detailed indeed :) … And what are your seven favorite orchestral pieces?
May 17, 2012 – 2:40pm
HIM: Hi, so I am 42 year old Spanish man, 5’9 tall, and 180 lbs with a fit body, black hair, brown eyes, and looking for friend to have a long or short free spirit casual sex relationship.
ME: Yeah ok. What’s nuevo?
HIM: LOL…. Nothing just chilling and you? Tienes algo nuevo?
ME: Practicando mi espanol. Pero estoy muy malo lololol!!!!!!!
HIM: Creo que tu espanol esta muy bueno. Quieres conocerme en persona? ;)
ME: Si, cuando la luna esta llena y usted es una mujer.