With the end of 2012 comes my one year mark on OKCupid. Granted I took several breaks when I froze my account for periods of time… but it seems like just yesterday I was filling out the asinine questions and perusing potential first dates. After the treacherous journey through my year of online dating, I can report that I found: a lot of crazy people who were interesting to talk to (but whom I would never date), a handful of guys who have become my friends, and only a couple of guys I actually felt would be a good match for me. But hey, the year’s not over yet! Here is the gripping tale of the first guy I actually liked that I met on OKCupid. We’ll call him George.
I first met George waaay back in April, the same week I dealt with Judgmental Jonah and Moose on the Loose. The night we met, I was frazzled and not at all looking forward to the date at hand. George had peaked my interest, however. He didn’t have a profile picture up yet, but had sent me a link to several “non-gross” pictures of him so I could see he was legit. He also mentioned that he wrote for The Onion and knew all about my hometown (where The Onion originated).
I got to the bar early to order a salad since I hadn’t eaten yet that day (maybe Jonah’s insult hurt my feelings more than I let on). George texted me to say he was going to be a few minutes late and I considered ditching him and going to a friend’s party instead. I can’t stand him up that would be rude, I thought as a squirrelly man scampered in and I prepared myself for the usual awkward introductions. I couldn’t exactly remember George’s pictures and thought this squirrel looked as if he might be an OKCupid person… but he walked right past me. Not him. As I turned back around a tall, attractive man with a nice beard and pretty eyes walked up to me on my other side and said “Hi, I’m George, sorry I’m late.” Whoa. It was the first time (up to that point) that I had been instantly physically attracted to a blind date.
George had a dry sense of humor and we got along really well. We laughed at some of the ridiculous pick up lines I have gotten from guys online and I was surprised at how comfortable I felt around him. Being the Cynical Cynthia I am, I was waiting for something to be wrong with this guy because it all seemed a little too much like an eHarmony commercial. We did a shot and he shared that I was his first ever OKCupid date (uh oh…) and that he had just gotten out of a four year relationship (and… there it is!) with a butcher (come again?) He said “Wow, if all my OKCupid dates go as well as this one I’m going to love this website!” I grimaced into my beer mug and thought about all the terrible blind dates I had gone through to get to one good one. I decided to push this conversation out of my mind and just enjoy my time with George… so I invited him to come to my friend’s party and surprisingly he said he would love to. Of course my friends all really liked him and, after a couple more beers, we headed to one last bar. Soon, the OKCupid app came out and we chatted with this 22-year-old stoner kid who had been contacting me all week. We convinced him that we were Siamese twins conjoined at the crotch, and if he wanted to meet me he would have to be cool with my open-minded bearded twin with a heart of gold. Sharing a cab home, it took all I had not to invite him up to my apartment. My demure behavior didn’t last long, however.
We went out again a week later, this time in his neighborhood. At the end of the night he invited me back to his place and, although I obviously wanted to go, my sister’s words from earlier echoed through my head: “Whatever you do, don’t sleep with him!” I had told her about his recent breakup and she didn’t want me to get involved. Well, as you may have guessed, it was an offer I couldn’t refuse. He was subletting his apartment since moving out of his ex-girlfriend’s place and everything there belonged to someone else. Someone who liked philosophy books, protein shakes, and dentist’s office art. We made out on the couch, then I told him I should go. He pulled me closer and said “I think I’ve made it clear that I like you.” Well alright, if you put it that way!
The next morning he was really sweet; putting his arm around me, buying me coffee, etc. I returned home in the best mood ever– the sky was blue again, the screaming Hasidic children were cute again, you get the idea. Later that day, for some reason I decided to check my old OKCupid account I still had from screwing with The Artist after he stood me up. I hadn’t checked it in ages and logged on with the intention to delete it. When I glanced at the messages in the inbox, my heart sank. George had messaged my fake girl! He said the girl in the photos was so beautiful and her responses so funny that he simply HAD to buy her a drink. I had answered the questions in a ridiculous manner since the profile wasn’t real (for example, under “Have you ever smelled the underwear of someone other than your significant other?” I wrote “Of course, I sniff all my colleagues panties.”) I was beginning to get the feeling that he was just trying to sleep with as many girls as possible to get over his ex.
When we hung out a week later, I didn’t tell him about the fake account thing but I definitely didn’t feel as comfortable around him. He took me out to dinner in Fort Greene, then to a bar in Clinton Hill. We eventually made it back to my place, where he seemed to, um, let out some pent-up aggression in my bed chambers. He was pretty stand-offish the next morning and I felt a little used and a lot perplexed because I’d never met a man with an ear fetish before. George told me he’d “drop a line” when he got back from a trip he was taking the following week. “Drop you a line” is on par with ”take care” in terms of incredibly impersonal things you can say to someone who has seen your awkward inner thigh tattoo multiple times. I knew he wouldn’t actually “drop me a line” when he got back, but since I obviously had abandoned all reason and dignity at this point, I texted him a couple weeks later.
We saw each other one or two more times after that. Same routine: I text him, we drink together, maybe play a hand or two of Uno, he sleeps over, then stops texting me. The lack of correspondence between our “dates” had become a pattern, but we had such a good time when we were together I tried to convince myself he was just busy. Soon though, I decided I should stop seeing him as I had begun to develop feelings and he clearly wasn’t on the same page. Or even on the same bookshelf for that matter. This decision was justified when, a few weeks later, I got a text from him saying that he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend. Didn’t see that one coming!… Perhaps the time I came back from the bathroom to him texting her on my futon should have been a clue. That was sarcasm, I totally saw that coming.
Sure, I was a little disappointed, but I certainly wasn’t heartbroken in the least. He was the definition of a Category 3 from the start and it serves me right for prolonging it when he displayed all the warning signs of a man on the rebound. And I did the exact same thing when I broke up with my boyfriend two years ago, so who am I to judge?
Here is my advice to you, my friends:
1. Be wary of a man who has just recently gotten out of a long-term relationship. Especially if you met the guy on the internet.
2. Don’t get your hopes up because you are most likely a rebound. If that’s alright with you, rock on sister. If it’s not alright, get out now. Preferably before you start thinking his slight Californian lisp is the cutest thing and it’s OK that he has a flat butt.
3. Do NOT, whatever you do, sleep with him on the second, third, maybe even fourth date. Just don’t do it. It seals your fate as “that weird girl I hooked up with for a couple months last spring… what was her name?” Also, he’s likely banging at least one or two other people… maybe even his ex.
But don’t you always want what you can’t have even more when it’s evident from day one that it’s off limits? Ah well, live and learn. Next time I think I’ll pass on being someone’s rebound.