Gather ’round young souls, for I will now share with you the story of the time I lit my underwear on fire. It doesn’t have much to do with my love life, I suppose, but may give you some perspective into the breed of lady you are dealing with here. Bear in mind this was several years ago and I have undeniably gained poise, self-discipline, and some sort of fashion sense since then.
So there I was, ringing in the year 2006 by dancing with a bunch of sexy guys at the hottest party in town. And by that I of course mean dancing under some black lights with my stoner guy friends in someone’s living room in the middle of Wisconsin. I had recently turned 21 and was proudly sporting one of my signature looks: a low-cut shirt paired with super low-rise flared jeans exposing the top of my thong. The fact that my underwear was often peaking out from my pants was not really a fashion choice, but more of a lack of effort to dress myself correctly. If my friends and coworkers today could only see the outfit I was wearing on this fateful eve, I would probably lose my job… and maybe a few friends to boot. But I was feeling super cute that night, holding a cigarette in one hand and a plastic cup in the other. You may venture to guess my state at this point was less than sober… when I administered a gyration great enough to knock the lit end off my cigarette and down my shirt. I didn’t even notice until an intense burning sensation on my torso truncated my groove. My first instinct was to shake it out of my shirt, but in doing so I sent it straight down to the protruding neon pink mesh belonging to my thong. I watched the top of my underwear first begin to smoke, then turn to flame as I pointed and laughed with my friends like a big idiot. Luckily, my sister was nearby and ran over to fan and pat out the flame arising from my undies. The cigarette had burned a hole through my shirt and the front of my thong, and I still have little round burn marks on my skin at both locations.
“The time my sister put out my underwear fire” is a cherished family story that often gets told over the Christmas turkey. But I feel like I can talk to you about anything, Mr. Internet, so now you know my story, too.